Light's Crisis of Faith
by See More Glasses
Summary: Light is still testing the limits of his Death Note when he loses confidence in his ability to wield it after the accidental death of an innocent young women. He opens up to Kiyomi Takada in an effort to ease his guilt.


A/N: Over 1000 without stretching it; that puts me more at ease about my hopelessness.

#---

Light didn't understand why he felt so bad today; the sugar coating that iced his cake had suddenly dissolved and he was able to see how burnt and rotten the dough underneath it really was.

Ryuk was standing behind him, tall, thin, pale and looking extremely interested.

"You seem shaken." His tongue licked his lips.

"A dog," Light thought, "Like a dog eying a piece of meat."

"Do I? It must be Ryuk's imagination kicking in because of boredom."

The shinigami didn't believe Light. "Ah you can tell me! You don't have to keep your guard up around me. After all I'm around you ALL the time, I've even seen you-"

"Ryuk!" He said, sternly, a sense of disgust rising up in him, "Don't disgust me."

"What? Is Light ashamed of his humanity?" Ryuk said and the sadistic venom in his voice ate away at Light's heart.

"Humanity is disgusting, Ryuk; you should have seen that by now. And the body and its functions are also disgusting. What do the shinigami bodies have to do to stay alive?" Light asked, both out of curiosity and deflection. The last thing he wanted to do was discuss his philosophies with any being – God of Death or not.

"Do? Well- nothing. They just are."

"And the food you eat? Where does the waste go?"

"Oh – well, I suppose I never thought about it."

"You've never thought about something so essential to life?"

"Hmm, well Light doesn't think about girls."

"That's not the same at all Ryuk – women are not necessary. If you have the will to carry on -"

The Death God had a sense of humour that was sharper than a dagger and he interposed, "- And a few extra bedsheets -"

Indignation and anger mixed in Light's heart as he looked at the God of Death who had fallen back on Light's bed in laughter.

"Humanity does amuse you doesn't it Ryuk?" Laughter was Light's only response.

Then he returned to his desk where sat a precious notebook of his with names and descriptions and times all written down in neat, tiny handwriting. Like a tortured poet these pages were his pride and joy – his reason for living, with this he can change the world.

The news was on his television and it broke away from the reporter with the pretty face to the raw scene of a man holding a knife to the throat of a young girl. The face was blurred from the distance and the aerial view but Light believed he had enough.

"The police believe the man to be Arnold Rottweigher."

Light curled his lips up in a gesture of sadistic pleasure, turning his good looks into the personage of the devil himself, "I think it's time for another test Ryuk."

"Oh…Interesting." The Shinigami smiled, his laughing fit done, starring at the Death Note pages over Light's shoulder.

Light wrote Arnold Rottweigher in his notebook and waited. He and Ryuk both watched the television screen in anticipation. And sure enough 40 seconds after the name was written the figure on the screen collapsed.

Self-satisfaction was all Light felt but it was soon marred by the presence of another unwelcome emotion – horror. The young woman that was being held hostage had become a victim of carelessness as, in the midst of Arnold's collapse, the twisted man had drug the blade of the knife across her tender throat spilling her precious blood onto the pavement.

"Oh."

#---

A week had passed and still the dangerous notebook stayed concealed in a hidden compartment in Light's room. Like a drug addict he desperately wanted to use it but was afraid of the consequences.

"Is Light losing his will?" Ryuk asked, floating above him, starring down at the child bored.

Light laughed and Ryuk suddenly felt, despite his perch, condescended to, "Of course not. I'm just recuperating."

"Oh, Miss To-Oh!" Ryuk said, his body snapping to attention.

Light's eyes flickered upwards and Kiyomi Takada was coming towards him, "Light!"

Steeling his heart he smiled, "Kiyomi!" He said, standing up, "How's it going?"

"Huh- are you ok?"

"Of course I am, is the wonderful and charming Miss To-Oh ok?" He broadened his smile then allowed it to disappear from his face for fear of discrediting his demeanor by over-emphasizing what he was hoping to portray.

"Stop teasing."

He shrugged, "If you insist." For a brief moment he was very impressed by his own charm and then he forced it down. Concessions of superiority will only make you weak when you stop trying.

Light felt awkward suddenly. He desperately felt like he should talk to somebody with this obtrusive confusion which plagued him.

"You're not ok."

"What, of course I am!" He smiled again.

"Of course your not and don't think you can charm me like your groupies."

"Ohh, I sometimes forget how smart Miss To-Oh is." Ryuk mused aloud.

"Me too Ryuk." Light thought before proceeding with, "Well, I don't want to bother you with my problems Kiyomi, you probably have enough to deal with."

"Sometimes I think you forget that you're human too. I wanted to be here to help you."

"Well, I've been having some trouble with philosophy class lately."

"You know Light, those questions don't have right answers to them."

Light felt irked at her condescension but allowed it to roll of his shoulders with a charming comment. "Damn – I knew I should have been suspicious of those multiple choice questions."

Kiyomi laughed and Light felt better, the feelings of insuperiority being lifted from his shoulders. He continued, "It's just this one question that I keep rolling over and over in my head. Let's say a man has superpowers, right?"

"I didn't take Light for comic book type."

"Har-har. It's more along the lines of Nietzche's superman than an alien in tights. But anyway, let's say a man has the power to help rid the world of corruption and greed and all the things that are disgusting about the human race. But some people, who are in the wrong place at the wrong time, have to die too, is it worth it?"

"Really?"

"Yes. Imagine all the people who would be suffering if all those criminals hadn't died? So far

"Oh, Light is talking about Kira?"

Light felt mortified at the neglectfulness of his intelligence; of course she would know about Kira – the world knew about Kira. Ever since that day he had inadvertently caused that young woman to come to her end his train of thought always managed to make its way back to her cold, lifeless body.

"Kira has killed innocent people before so if you haven't made up your mind as to whether or not you support his actions you never will."

"Well, yeah, but this one was different. That girl, she wasn't even trying to get in Kira's way. She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"I see your reasoning but I believe Kira might be in the right."

Kira has shown impeccable judgment in his decisions on who should die and I trust him not to kill unnecessary bystanders. That one girl was a fluke and her life was a sacrifice for a paradise on earth I think Kira is trying to create. Most people have died for a lot less."

The guilt that was wrapped around his heart, suffocating his confidence was cut through by the words of encouragement from Kiyomi Takada. So later that night, when he was alone in his room again with his Death God Light retrieved his drug of choice from the drawer and began to write – burning a name into the Earth that would be able to be seen for generations to come:

KIRA.


End file.
